My Toyin Falola Submission: When will Ohinoyi become a woman?

Ohinoyi, that's my name, and I do not want to tell a story about the “resilience of a woman," neither do I want to make a toast to strong women.” rather, I should write about how often I am told to raise my head high and walk tall because "I am a woman," when I only want to be a twenty-six-year-old who wants to eat and get a good sleep.

Foremost, I do not think "strong women" or "resilience of a woman" are wrong or unnecessary, I think the rightness or wrongness of such terms would depend on their authors. I only wonder, would I hear such terms if say, I was not a woman, or if things were different for women?

The last time I was told to "behave like a woman" was the day I ate in the open while I waited in a bank queue, this was two weeks ago.  I had wanted to arrive early at the bank so I could transact early enough and return to my other tasks. I couldn't have breakfast before leaving my home, so I bought ewa agoyin from a food hawker close to the banking hall and looked around for a moderate space to feed the demons in my tummy. The closest space I got was a nearby bench, a few meters away from the bank, and I settled on it to devour my meal, oblivious of any happenings around me, I mean, food deserves all of my attention.

"Stop it! You are a woman! See the way you are eating, and why are you eating in the open like that? It is not womanly."

I looked up to see a middle-aged woman who had just exited the banking hall. She wore a face ashen in a mixture of anger and concern, and she had just yelled at me. I was so shocked I almost choked. 

Truth is, I have been told several times while eating that "that's not how a lady eats" and I never indulged such interlopers, but this woman, the look on her face, and the fact that she almost killed me a few seconds ago, do I kill her or let her go? In the end, I responded with indifference; I simply continued to eat while she walked away, angrier than she was at the beginning. This woman made me remember all the other times I have been asked to act "lady-like." 

My mother is a Yoruba Woman and I have had my fair share of becoming a woman.

"Mu igbalẹ yẹn daadaa, obirin lo jẹ, te ọwọ ẹ mọlẹ daadaa"

That's my mom, telling me to hold a broom properly because I am a woman. 

"Obinrin o kin sọrọ beyẹn"

Meaning: Women don't talk that way.

"Arakunrin yẹn ṣe asegun bi obinrin."

Meaning: That man gossips like a woman.

All these suggest a way a woman should behave. I do not have a brother, so I do not know how my mom would have raised her son(s), I also do not think she was wrong per se, she was teaching me to imbibe values as best as she knew. 

Eventually, a lot of the practices she wanted me to imbibe were sane, one every human should imbibe, but they had to be padded in layers of faux modesty. For example, both men and women should hold brooms correctly, because that's the way it would be neatly done. 

As I grow older, I see my mom's womanhood curriculum duplicated in practically the minutest of ways, everywhere. A driver drives in a kind of way, and another driver says "no wonder, she is a woman." A "strong woman" is strong because she is married, or is unmarried but (emphasis on but) without a car or house, or the one who can get her acts together, or in my case, eats "ladylike." People sometimes reject ideas from women because "they are women," a Nigerian politician was involved in a money-laundering scandal, and the primary concern amongst the average citizen was that she "is a woman, what does she need all that money for?"

 I saw a video of a man who was asked to state his thoughts on a woman ruling Nigeria.

Man: "Woman? Leading this country? God forbid!"

Interviewer: "Why?"

Man: "We are more than that now. Woman?"

Here is a man who thinks a woman cannot lead a country because she is a woman. I like to encourage myself that things would better (as they already are), healthy practices would be encouraged for boys and girls, and we would stop having conversations about "educating the girl child," because every child would see the four walls of a classroom. 

On the other side of the divide, there is also, for example, a conference for women "and young girls" on "wake, pray and slay" and the guest speakers are- Chief (Mrs) S.U.V; the first African woman to walk on water, Dr. (Mrs) H.O.D; the daughter of the first black man to spell SLAY correctly, and Pastor (Mrs) A.B.U; the Mommy G.O of our time. Young girls are encouraged to have female role models, which may be laudable (even though I do not find it completely admirable when it's just about the girls, young boys should be taugh virtues too) until we begin to assign stereotypical role models to these young females; First Female Director of Banks, Actors, Social Media Influencers, long-weave-wearing adies (I love long weaves, by the way, I just can't afford them yet, I should add) and the likes. It begins to go amiss when these young girls are not taught to find models in people whose simplest of lives exemplify virtues that every human should live by. 
In my twenty-six years of existence, I have met people 

 Whenever I try to describe myself, I start with irrelevancies. The primary culprit has always been my twenty-six years of age, I have always felt old amongst my two-years-younger peers. Other times, I describe myself with how awkward I think I can be. Not today, though, I'll walk you through my personality. Funnily, I do not know what to write about myself after all the hype, but I will try. Well, I am from Ebiraland, a culture of notably confrontational people, but I am docile, so docile that I get upset with myself. I have a history of not completing whatever I start; I abhor anything that pushes me out of my comfort zone. About a year ago, I moved in with my phenomenal friend, and I am very much impressed with how well this move has been healthy for me. I am no longer afraid to be wrong; I have made remarkable progress by completing most of the things I start, and my comfort zone is not so comfortable anymore, I keep needing more space by the day. 

I love what I write; I love how I write it; and often, I go back to what I have written and read and re-read, and then when I have done that, I share with people. So many of the things I write turn out to be a major source of inspiration for my next piece of writing. It's safe to say I am proud of myself in that regard. I would have never thought I would be open to sharing my thoughts publicly, I was always so timid, but I get better by the day. I believe one of the worst things that could ever happen to anyone would be to live a life burdened by the weight of what people may say. 

The next person on my list is my mom; you already know these things, if your mom does not inspire you, who will? (that too is a joke, I think it is very ok if your mom does not inspire you; I do not mean to be offensive to people who may not have (had) mom figures in their lives).

Rachel Olubu

"Olubu" is short for "Olu-ibu-omi," and I asked her what the name means. She said, "Olubu means olu ibu Omi, which is a child of/from the river. I've rejected that. I'm a child of God."

And that's typical of my mom. Her faith is so central to everything she does, there's a "spiritual undertone" to everything that happens. Perhaps she is correct, maybe not.

Rachel is the phenomenal woman who birth and raised me, I do not want to call her a 'strong woman' as she has had times she did not want to be strong. She only wanted to be Rachel, nothing else. My mom taught me to love books, and every night, she could not fall asleep until she read the pages of a book. In my undergraduate days, I had a mini-library, and I had to carry my mini-library home every holiday because my mom would ask for what to read. Just last night, we were chatting on WhatsApp, and she was encouraging me, and she said: "remember this book you first brought home when you were in school, I was feeling somewhat depressed a few days ago, so I re-read it, and it lifted my soul." She then shared a line from that book to encourage me. My favorite thing about her is that she is the mother eagle who is not afraid to let her eaglets soar, she is super confident of how she raised them, faults and all.

 She is warm, and she loves to overfeed people, she would never understand why I practice 'portion control' around her, "o son ra now" is what she says every time, and when you complain that you have added weight, she will buy you a pack of green tea.

She and my Dad send me a monthly allowance even as I have a job, and when you call them to say thank you, my mom will say, "It is our duty."

She rears poultry birds; she overfeeds the broilers, and they lay eggs; broilers usually do not lay eggs. Anytime we come around, a bird goes to the slaughter, 'Omo mi ti de' is how she says it. 

Rachel Oluwabunmi inspires me to be unafraid, she inspires me to give without reservations, and she inspires me to not be afraid to explore. Hopefully, I am brave enough to hold this baton all my life. 

Princess Oyelowo.

Princess is my not-so-big sister; I know I am biased towards family, but I think this list would have still gone this way if they were not family.

Princess is my direct opposite; she has walked paths I would never have thought of walking. She hated school, and she was unashamed of it, even when I was on her behalf. Princess knew early on what she wanted and how she wanted it, and she was unafraid to go for it. Back in the day, Princess, with the encouragement of my mom, learned to tailor and sew clothes. It was unpopular because tailoring was not much desirable line of work, and, "if you had a formal education, what in the world would you use tailoring for?" 

Today, Princess is a health care worker, and she makes the most attractive African wears one would find in her vicinity. Daily, she details courage unapologetically, and that's why she inspires me.

 Damilola Oyetunji. 

Damilola was my friend through my five years in school, and she remains my friend to date. Damilola inspires me because she is insanely creative and has the most beautiful heart. I once asked Dami what her favorite thing about herself was, and she said, "I love without boundaries. It has its unpleasant sides, but I can love even the worst person, the most unworthy person. I have no limitations to the people I show love to and care about". It was such a beautiful moment to reminisce about all the times I spent with her and how boundless her love was. That's how she inspires me, she makes me see the best in everyone, it's so pure, so intentional. 

Damilola is a makeup artist of life; she is a very proficient content creator, a podcaster, writer, and blogger. 

Chinomnso Chinedum

She has quite some names, but I'll stick with "Chinwe." Last year, in October, Chinwe was twenty-three years old, and she has continued to inspire me. "See Shalom, if I want something, I will go aggressively for it, no matter what anyone says or thinks. When women are tenacious about their goals, they say they are being aggressive, but when the tables are turned, they say 'he is being a man," that's arguably one of her most-used lines. Chinwe tells me that the three most insightful sayings she learned from her mother are "Whatever it is you cannot finish, do not start," "You are not married until you are married," and "Whatever is worth doing is worth doing well." Chinwe is such a tenacious woman, you can not but become tenacious yourself. Chinwe has, over the years has been so many things to me, and I could write all day, but it would be so selfish to talk about her only because of what she does for me. 

In most unfamiliar jobs, Chinwe's resolve for excellence shines. She has ushered, has been an intern in the most unfamiliar career path, has been an influencer, you name it. I do not think there's an employer who has had Chinwe in her/his hire that was not sad to see her leave. She inspires me with "whatever is worth doing is worth doing well."